Gome World

A thousand ways to say "You're STUPID!"

The Scots are an uncharitable race.  Whether you are looking through your battered old copy of Munro, or in one of the more modern resources such as Chambers Concise Scots Dictionary and Scots Thesaurus, you will find only a quarter of a page devoted to "Gratitude," but thirteen and a half pages devoted to "Anger and Discontentment."  There are two pages of Scots words for "Intelligence," but twelve and a half pages of ways to describe "Stupidity" and "Weakness of character."  There are three times as many pages devoted to "Negative Character Types" than there are to "Positive Character Types," and while there is barely half a page devoted to Scottish terms of "Endearments," there are well over thirty pages on "Gratuitous Abuse, Disgust, Treachery, Villainous, Miserliness, Spendthrifts, Spongers, Slovenliness, Mockery, Nosiness, Quarrels, Abusiveness, Scolding, Bad-Workmanship, Shambles, Anxiety, Madness, Shame, Fear, and Loathing!"

You will find that Wullie is quick to dish out colorful and judgmental comments about those around him that are rarely complimentary. So although it is theoretically possible that you might hear him say, "I'm browden on yon sonsie birkie." (Rough translation:  "I am extremely fond of the sensible and smart young man."), it is much more likely to hear him explode with, "Yon crabbit, wranglesome, scabbie-heided bletherskate is nae better than a sappie-heided midden-raker!" (Rough translation: "That bad-tempered, quarrelsome boastful person, who incidentally has head lice, is no better than an empty-headed low-life who searches through stinking heaps of garbage."

Aaaaah, but it sounds so much better when said loudly in the Scots tongue.  It makes a person feel better just to say these insults out loud a few times.  Try it and you'll see.

Where do gomes like to live?

Good question!  But like most good questions the answer is, "It depends."  Just like with humans, some gomes like lots of company and so they like to live in cities where they can bicker and fight with each other; gomes from their own clan or other clans.  They may like to live near humans so that they can "mess with them" for amusement, or to steal their petraglifs (See http://gomeworld.typepad.com/gome_world/2007/06/petraglifs.html).  As you will read about in The Twilight Cave Trilogy the inhabitants of the gome city of Barcelunda are like this.

Other gomes are loners and prefer peace and quiet...

If you strode across this bridge you would be entering the realm of gomes who prefer to mix with their own kind and stay away from humans as much as possible.  There are plenty of these antisocial gomes in Scotland.  The next time you are striding across a steep hillside covered in scree (a Scots word for a mass of loose stones lying on a steep slope) you would be well advised to avoid it and not walk across it.  For one thing walking on scree can start a landslide with you in the middle of it (not a good thing) and for another think, you never know which of the stones you are walking across are just stones and which of them are bad-tempered gomes waiting to do you harm.  Read Blackhope Scaur (Part Two of The Blackhope Scaur Trilogy) to get an idea of the nasty surprises that can await you on a seemingly innocent Scottish hillside like this.

Of course even if gomes like to keep to themselves most of the time, since they live for a very, very long time they like to meddle with humans at least now and again, so they might choose to live where it is mostly rocks and wild nature but with just an occasional human to annoy, like here, maybe...

Other gomes are even sneakier.  They live in the mountains near where humans have built ridiculously narrow steep roads that zig-zag and switch back and forth up and over a mountain pass.  See if you can see any gomes in this picture.

They could even be part of the wall built to keep the road flat and straight.  As an old car struggles up the road, coughing and complaining, overheating, burning clutch fluid, and spewing out exhaust fumes as it goes, it would be really easy for a gome or two (or twenty or two thousand) to roll down the hill and stick a sword or spear into the tires of a car, just for amusement.  One of their favorite spots is the spectacular pass over the mountains to Applecross.  Many a motorist has got stuck or broken down making the attempt.  And they had no idea what caused their car to break down just in the most inconvenient place imaginable.  But you have a good idea, don't you...

Is Scottish food really THAT bad?

You will notice in Blackhope Scaur (the second part of The Blackhope Scaur Trilogy) that I make fun of Scottish food.  You can listen to me describing Hadley's mom, Riversong, tackling the "full Scottish breakfast" at the Burntfield Hotel shortly after the family arrive in Edinburgh: http://gomeworld.typepad.com/gome_world/2007/05/blackhope_scaur.html

Some people eat most of their meals at gourmet restaurants like this one where you can eat such delicacies as "Deep fried Mars Bar and chips." 

I am not kidding.  Get a Mars bar (or a Snickers or any other chocolate bar that you fancy), dip it in batter, drop it in the boiling fat fryer for a few seconds, and then place it decoratively on top of a pile of soggy French fries slathered in vinegar and HP sauce.  Remember to place the batter-fried-Mars-Bar decoratively, mind you... at a jaunty and artistic angle.  Remember, presentation is half the art of fine cuisine.  You can then wash it down with a glass of the subtle and delicately flavored beverage advertised on the side of this Edinburgh taxicab. 

But in truth, you can get some wonderful food in Scotland.  There is a place in Edinburgh called Henderson's on Hanover Street, which has been serving fabulous organic vegetarian dishes for over thirty years.  And if you like venison or beef cooked to perfection, and served with a decent helping of potatoes, then you'll be quite happy in Scotland. 

It has been said, rather unkindly, that although plates in Scotland may look round, this is an optical illusion.  They are really triangular.  One corner is for a pile of some sort of unrecognizable overcooked brown meat, another corner is for a pile of greenish unrecognizable vegetable (probably peas), while the third and largest corner is for potatoes in their endlessly fascinating varieties: mashed, boiled, baked, roasted, fried...

This is not true nowadays.  I have eaten some spectacularly tasty meals in Scotland in recent years. 

Fancy a little smoked salmon as an appetizer...?

And as for desserts, the Scots can't be beat.     It seems that every restaurant has its own version of "Sticky Toffee Pudding." 

  They are all different enough from each other that it is always worth while trying them wherever you go...

Well why not...?

The Scottish Place Name Game

The next time you are feeling under the weather, with a stuffy nose, a sore throat; the next time you are feeling bored and in need of mental stimulation I have a great suggestion for you.  Get your parents (or some other gullible grown ups) to take you for a drive around the Scottish countryside so that you can play the Scottish Place Name Game.  Actually there are at least three different versions that you can play.

Game 1:  Clear your blocked, stuffy nose and sore throat by saying out loud all the great village and town names with a "ch" in them.  As you may know the Scots pronounce the "ch" as if they are clearing their throat.  Try saying Auchtermuchty, Crianlarich, Balquhidder, and Achnaluachrach out loud four or five times fast.  It will clear your stuffed nose and sore throat wonderfully, although if you are sitting in the back seat of the car while you are doing it, those sitting in the front may find their hair, head and neck are now covered in spittle and snot by the time you are done... might be a good time to move on to a new game for while, to let them dry off.

Game 2:  Ask each other to come up with a good suggestion for why a particular town or village got its name.  So was Coldbackie named by a poor old man with a stoop and no shirt on his back who was passing through on a day when it was snowing...? 

What about this one?  If you look up your trusty copy of Munro you will see that the word muck means dirt, filth, or farmyard dung.  The word muckle means large or bulky.  So was the village of Bogmuchals built near a great big stinky swamp by someone who couldn't spell very well?  Maybe so.  Another charming town that you might pass through on the way must have been built during a particularly long wet spell of weather where it poured with rain for weeks on end (even though such a thing is extremely rare in Scotland), so that there wasn't a square inch that wasn't soaking wet, or at least damp, by the time they finished building the town.  So they called it Inchnadamph.

Game 3:  If your parents (or whoever is sitting in the front seats of the car) have dried off by now you can try playing the game called "Try pronouncing that!"  Have a go at Kirkcudbright.  Needless to say, it is not pronounced Kirk-cud-bright like it ought to be.  Oh no, that would be too easy.  As anyone knows it should be pronounced Cur-COO- bray (with the emphasis on the second syllable).  How about Friockheim?  You think it might be Fry-ock-hime?  Not quite.  The locals clear more spittle from their throats as they say FREE-ch-um!  Last but not least, if you really want to amuse yourself with this game drive around on the Western Isles where the Gaelic speakers amuse themselves no end. 

Give yourself ten points if you can instantly pronounce this village sign the way the locals do... Ardroil!

Petraglifs

What on earth, in gome's name, are petraglifs, you may ask.  Well, Wullie explains it best...  Here is an excerpt from Barcelunda, part two in The Twilight Cave Trilogy. When Hadley asks Wullie what petraglifs are, he says:

“Humans have always had a fascination wi’ rocks.  They like to collect them.  They cut and polish the prettiest ones and wear them as jewelry.  They carve others into sculptures so they can admire them.  It must be the permanence of rocks that they like.  Rocks last forever, or at least for a lot longer than human lives, so humans keep them, and grow fond of them and pass some of them on tae the next generation.  And of course yoose have learned tae make things out o’ rocks, too; cups, plates, bowls and the like.  Gomes are always on the lookout for rocks that have special significance tae humans.  We call them petraglifs.”

Hadley said, “Why?”

“Because rocks that humans especially like absorb life and emotion into them so that they have healing power.  If we grind them up intae powder and potions, or chew them up, they help us tae repair ourselves when bits of us get chipped or knocked off.

“So where do you get these petraglifs from?”

Wullie grinned.  “Have you ever noticed that it is always your favorite plate or cookie jar that gets broken, or your mom’s favorite vase that falls off the window sill?  That’s not a coincidence.  That’s the work of gomes, moving them when you’re no’ looking, setting things in position so they might get knocked off and broken.  Then the gomes sneak back during the night and collect some of the pieces as petraglifs.”

I, for one, can attest to that fact.  We have a great old cookie jar that has been in our family for over fifty years.  Whether it is filled with Taffy biscuits or Ginger Creams or Lemon-filled Rich Tea biscuits it is the one place in the kitchen that gets a lot of attention in the morning.

And then, one day, a few months ago, for no apparent reason, I put the lid in a strange place while I was cooking and the next thing I knew the lid slid off the counter and smashed on the floor.  I gathered all the pieces up and piled them up, wondering if it was worth repairing it or not.  Everyone else in the house said, "YE-E-E-ES!!" so I glued the pieces back together.  As you will see, the repair job is not perfect.  You can still see the crack running diagonally across the roof, but it works pretty well.  It still brings lots of joy and warmth to everyone in the family to remove the lid in the morning and pick out a cookie or two to have with an early morning cup of tea.

But you will see that there is a substantial chunk missing from the corner.  I searched high and low for that piece of china cookie jar lid but it was nowhere to be found.  I expect that, by now, it has been "divined" for its essential essence and will have been ground up to add a little warmth and comfort to some gome-brew or potion somewhere...

I'm petrified... yipeeeee!

Most humans, at least most humans who read books and like learning knew words, know that to be petrified means to be so scared and terrified of something that you are paralyzed and can't move.  It comes from petra, the Latin word for a stone, and so to be petrified literally means turned to stone.  But for gomes the word has a whole different sense to it.  Gomes like to be petrified!

Gomes like to sneak around causing mischief while they are in their living, moving, animated form, but if they sense danger, or want to avoid being noticed they can instantly turn themselves into stone... they petrify.  When Great Uncle Hugh McDougall gives Finn a new present in The Rusty Pelican he calls it a "very special Scottish paperweight."  Finn is not very impressed.  It is an ugly, smelly, heavy cylindrical thing with one flat end, one pointy end, and a covering of moss in the middle.  But when Wullie comes to life Finn finds him to be much more interesting... and much more trouble.

Most children are curious, have a good imagination and sharp eyes, so they have little trouble seeing gomes.  But many adults have no imagination and even less sense of fun, so when they appear on the scene most gomes will petrify, and stay as a rock until the boring grown up goes away.  Gomes can also petrify to protect themselves from damage when they jump off roofs, are flung through windows, or when they get attacked by cat claws or slobbering dog fangs.  Interestingly, when a gome is in the petrified state it can still hear and see and think perfectly well.  In fact Wullie says he can think more clearly and solve more puzzles when he is petrified, without the distraction of being "alive."  He just doesn't need to bother with conversation, is protected from attack, and is able to conserve his energy better; to rest.  It is a bit like when a tortoise is attacked it withdraws inside its shell.  A gome simply petrifies.

How cool would that be, if you could petrify when grown ups are annoying you? 

   "Jennifer, I told you to clean up your room.  Jennifer?  Now where is that girl?  There's nothing here except a large statue standing in amongst the piles of clothes, books, toys, pop cans and dirty plates.  Hmmmm?"

Now, I know what you are thinking, surely the grown up would recognize that the statue looked like you, but a lot of grown ups aren't that smart.  They might think it is the statue of a fashion model or a rock star that you bought off e-Bay.  Actually if your room was as untidy as this one you could even hide a full sized petrified version of your self under the piles of dirty clothes.

Animals, of course, being smarter than your average grown up, recognize the difference between a rock and a gome even when the gome is in its petrified state.  So Wullie gets scratched by Ying Yang, the Siamese cat, and gets buried in the garden by Winston and Riley.  When he escapes their clutches and comes back to life he is covered in grass, dirt, and smelly dog slobber, which makes him even more scruffy, rude, and bad-tempered than usual...

What do you think?

If you are familiar with blogs you will know that you can make a comment in response to any of the little essays that I post.  It occurs to me that you may have other questions that are unrelated to these "posts."  Maybe you have suggetions for future stories or adventures.  If you have any questions or random thoughts you can ask them here.

Wullie is particulary fond of asking random questions.  In the story I am writing at the moment Wullie has to pull out a piece of poisoned gome metal from a wound on Hadley's leg.  To distract her while he tries to find the nasty little spear tip and pull it out he asks her the following question: 

“Here’s a riddle for you, lass.  If it takes a man-and-a-half a day-and-a-half to dig a hole-and-a-half, how many chickens will it take to fix a hole in the roof of thirty-nine thatched cottages?”

If you know the anwer to that one, let me know.

But there is no Pier 71!

If you live around Seattle you may find and recognize many familiar landmarks in The Rusty Pelican as Finn, Hadley, and Wullie search for clues all over the city as they try to find and rescue Uncle Hugh.  For readers who have never visited Seattle you may wonder how much of the descriptions are true.  Here is a little photo tour of some key places in the story.

There really is a Perkins Lane in Magnolia, although I have never seen any neighboring houses with a cool pulley note system running between them.  I have also never seen a house with a slobbering English bulldog in the yard or a man practicing Tai Chi in his pajamas on the front lawn.  However, there are plenty of expensive black cars with tinted windows.  Here is the parking lot at Discovery Park where Uncle Hugh got tricked into being a gallant gentleman helping out a French lady with a broken down car.     The next thing he knew he had been knocked unconscious and captured...

Finn and Hadley arrange to meet Marie Claire at the Seattle Center, a famous landmark from the World's Fair in 1960.  They follow her on the monorail that goes right past the two round towers of the Westin Hotel. 

As they run away to avoid being captured by the crooks, the hotel staff, the doormen or the Seattle police Finn, Hadley and Wullie dive down some smelly alleys where they can hide behind the garbage-filled dumpsters.  Seattle has plenty of those in the downtown area on the way to the waterfront.  But if you go on down to the waterfront and look for Pier 71 you will be out of luck.  There are many piers that jut out into Elliott Bay like a row of crooked teeth, but they stop at number 70.  See, there is nothing to the north of Pier 70 (at least at the time I wrote this story).  Some of the piers are quite fancy and have restaurants and amusement parks in them, but others are old and crumbling.  Here are a few photos to show you the variety.  There are some marinas near the piers.  If you go down the steps you can go on floating wooden walkways out to the boats, so the Happy Sake boat would have been moored someplace like this.  Out at the end of some of the piers there are industrial barges moored.  Here is an example of what some of them look like.  Unfortunately you won't find The Rusty Pelican Barge moored out there anymore.  The police confiscated it and towed it away as a public safety hazard after they found it spewing blue and yellow smoke out of every crack.  They were even more disgusted when they went on board and found piles of fish guts and luminous paint everywhere...

Here is a picture drawn by an elementary student in Bend Oregon which captures the sinister and evil feel of The Rusty Pelican Barge:

Blackhope Scaur: The Doomed Castle (Book 3)

In Blackhope Scaur: The Doomed Castle, which is the third and final part of The Blackhope Scaur Trilogy the action moves to Edinburgh Castle on the last night of the Military Tattoo. My idea of what the book cover might look like was this:

 

Here is the actual cover:

Here is a summary of what the story is about:

The Edinburgh Military Tattoo:  Hundreds of squealing bagpipies, gymnastics, battle re-enactments, a military fly past, laser shows, fireworks all out on the castle esplanade and seen be floodlight.  It should be the best vacation ever, a dream come true for most thirteen-year-old American visitors.  But for Finnley McDougall and Hadley Kobayashi it is something to dread.  Somewhere a gang of greedy, cruel humas and three armies of evil gomes are planning an attack somewhere in Edinburgh Castle.  They have a bomb.  They have a helicopter.  They have a hatred of humans in general and Finn and Hadley in particular.  They have thousands of Lignites, Graywackies and Slag Piles on their side.  What can two small children and one very small, scruffy, rude, bad-tempered gome to do stop them?

Here is a bonus chapter for the story.  This was going to be the first chapter of the story, but we ommitted it in the final version.  This chapter is called, The Dark Watcher's Fury

Here is the second (or now the first) chapter of the story.  Chapter Two is called, From Zen Master To Fay Wife

Side Trips and Detours

If you are on vacation, have plenty of time, and know where you want to get eventually, it is really fun to take side trips and add in extra things to amuse yourself along the way.  You may choose to take a slower side road to explore interesting new places.  The same is true for storytellers.  If you know how your story will end, and you don't care how long it takes to get there, you can amuse yourself by inventing several twists and turns, new complexities and characters, as you meander along.  But what about your passengers?  What about the readers that you want to bring along on your journey?  If they get bored or lost and disinterested they may decide to get off the bus when you slow down in some particularly tedious, self-indulgent hairpin bend.  If you end up at your destination with an empty bus you may feel lonely and dissatisfied.

When I read a story I enjoy interesting side trips, so long as they add to my understanding of one of the characters, or increase the tension and complexity of the plot in surprising ways.  I don't like them to be too long, complicated, and slow.  That might be fine for a travelogue - a book where the whole point is "the journey itself" and how it changes the person or persons wandering through the new places.  But if you want to write an adventure story your readers will want to feel that the tension keeps building, the pace keeps quickening, and that a scary, exhilarating climax is just round the next bend... like being on a roller coaster with the biggest scariest drop left for the last few seconds of the ride.

So be careful as you indulge yourself in side trips.  They can add wonderful spice to your journey if you choose them well.  But if you get distracted and wander away from the main highway too long you may not only lose your own way, you may lose the interest of your readers as well.